It’s been a long time since the last time I found myself in this position… and by this position I mean the position where I’m sitting on my bed aimlessly staring at the nothingness of my room. I’ve been wanting to vent for a long time, and as if I had a typewriter in my head I imagine myself typing whatever is going through my mind, but this is no imagination, now I’m actually typing whatever I am thinking.
This will come across extremely emotional to most of you, and well, let’s face it, this will be very emotional… so if you already started reading and you think you’re bored of reading about this kinda shit then you can click on something else now.
Some of you will know what I’m talking about, some of you won’t and some of you and some of you will just think I’m prolly crazy (but who cares? I don’t)… and to the people that know EXACTLY what and who I am talking about then that’s fine… I’m writing this for me and I publish it for others because I am after all, a human being with feelings and I know I’m not the only one.
I’ve been trying to think things through in my head, and I have come across with thoughts I’ve never had before. I’m going to be honest with you; I’ve been hiding all this time… I’ve been hiding from myself and from you. I hide because it’s the best way for me to try and find myself again, to tell myself that it’s ok to fall on your knees (more like “on your face” for me) and to help myself back up from that terrible fall because no matter how many hands are there to pick me up I can’t seem to hold them. To hide from oneself it’s quite easy, I believe we all do it… but to find oneself could be the hardest thing to be done if you don’t take the right paths or if you don’t look in the right places. Especially if you have been lost trying to follow someone that held your hand as if they were going to guide you and help get wherever you wanted to get. That’s exactly what happened to me… I got lost in someone else’s path, I got lost in his smile, I got lost in his eyes, I got lost in his voice, and I got lost in his… everything. It’s ok though, to get lost you know? I thought I could go through life without ever getting lost like this… but I did. And how can you find something, if you’ve never known the feeling of losing something? How? I don’t know I’m still trying to figure that out.
But let’s not focus on the lost, think about it more like Alice in wonderland, she fell down a whole and found herself in a world of magic… well that’s kinda what happened to me (and what has happened to most of you). My world became a place of pure and timeless magic, or so I believed… once you have fallen on a different reality, it is hard to get out, it is hard to believe there’s something else out there besides what you’re living in the moment. But I reached a point, just like Alice, when I woke up and realized it was all inside of my head. And then I remember that one thing I heard on Harry Potter, when the good old Dumbledore told Harry: “Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?” … it was very real, all of it, the happiness, the excitement, the butterflies in the stomach, the love… the disappointment. All of it. Real.
Now that I’ve finally made peace with the fact that it was all real, it is time to find myself to keep going on my path to my final destination (wherever that will be). It is finally time to put my hands on the ground to help myself get up and let go of what has been holding me back all this time… let go of the regrets, tears, frustration, and sadness that I’ve been carrying with me all along, like a fucking prisoner with a ball and chain. I think to myself “chin up buttercup, everything’s going to be alright”, it is time to free myself from my own thoughts, and yes I know it is hard still, but time is on my side and I live on the memory of love smiling at me once knowing that it will smile again. I get up, look back ONE LAST TIME, throw you a kiss and wave saying goodbye for I know I loved with all my heart, body and soul. It is time because blue skies are calling.