January 28, 2011

before the words run out

blaaah, not feeling like rambling lately, but i do feel bad that i opened up this blog and not write anything... lately it's all been about thoughts, mmm have you ever been in a situation where you keep thinking and your mind keeps telling you like a million things but when it comes the time to talk... you have no words! :S aaargh i effin hate that!

well... it is difficult sometimes, for human beings to find words, thoughts we have plenty but for some reason there is something in our brain that blocks us from speaking! odd innit?

went photoshootin' today (haha what a way of changing subjects huh?)... i've been trying hard to put my thoughts and feeling into pictures but they are so mixed up i almost felt that i couldn't take photos anymore... could that even be possible? :S i hope not!

here's an outtake of today's shoot...

January 14, 2011

the late tears

I thought when i left London, i was going to be devastated, in fact miraculously i didn't cry the night before... it was such a weird feeling to walk by the streets of London by night and look at all the amazing old buildings and breath the cold air and feel my cold hands on my face. Strange, very strange, people would think that when you lose something the natural human reaction is to cry... but i guess something was different or at least i thought so.

I spent some time thinking about all the things i've done in London, and all the things i didn't get to do and the amazing people i got to meet and how this whole experience changed my life in ways that i never expected. You would think it is hard to leave a place where your root started to extend and where you did things you never thought you would do... but think again whatever feeling you think it's proper for that kind of situation is never going to be the same as when you actually are in that situation. Rambling much? I think so... there's a reason why i started this blog anyways.

So there I was, boarding a plane that was gonna take me away from the place and took away my heart and the place where i spent the happiest and ironically the most miserable times of my life (don't regret any of it though). It was time and i hadn't cried... i mean seriously i was thinking to myself aaah why am i not crying? mmm you might think but why would you wanna cry? well i didn't but i did feel like i was holding myself back... but the time came, to depart, that time where you hold on tight to your seat because the force of the speed sinks you to the back and you feel that funny feeling in your stomach when the plane's wheels stop touching the airstrip... it was there and then when my tears started to flow... when i saw the city losing itself in the fog, when i couldn't see anything else but a gigantic cloud and when the plane got so high that it reached the blue and the blinding light.



January 6, 2011

rambling

You know how there’s a saying that people often never follow the advices they give? Well it’s sorta true… how i came up with this sudden decision? I guess because of the massive flow of movies about self-discovery and shit like that. Then you start thinking yeah what the movie said it’s right you now, like live the present, don’t worry too much about the future and crap like that. And what surprises me the most is that when one of our friends is in a situation where he or she is thinking too much we give that advice and try to make it sound so easy, but when we are in that situation there is almost nothing that can take us out of the whole we are in.

Then I suddenly started thinking, mmm so what kind of advice would I give myself? I mean we all talk to ourselves on way or another, some do it out loud, some do it within their own thoughts and some write it… ever since I started living on my own and taking care of myself, I developed some sort of different personality, a second one, yeah some of you may say that is called being bipolar haha and I don’t know it might be, but that other scarleth has helped me through most of my worst moments being on my own.

The people that know me know that I’m usually super hyper, happy, smiling, laughing and rambling just like now, and I love being like that, it is when you realize that you’re starting to live a life on your own that you assume responsibilities that you otherwise would not take… I don’t mean that when we grow old we have to become boring and shit like that because there’s nothing like growing up and keeping our inner child, it was makes life beautiful.

So here I am, in a crossroad, where several parts it’s not me who chooses where to go but the road tells me where to go, because there are things that whether we like it or not are far away from our reach… but I do believe one thing that I have read soooo many times, and it goes like this: “Whenever we set our minds to something we want and if we want it with everything we’ve got the whole Universe conspires so we get exactly what we had in mind”.
Yeah it sounds like a freaking quote from Star Wars but it is most certainly true, I tell you because everything I’ve ever dreamed off became true. And believe my mind, body and soul wanted it, really badly.

Like I was saying, the crossroad, there are so many decisions to be made, that affect your present, and future… and that the more you think about it the scarier becomes, but to be honest it’s the possibility of all coming to reality what is even more powerful than being scared. And yet sometime our minds manage to control us… but it shouldn’t be like that, “all power comes from within and there for is under control” (quote by Robert Collier) so that means we must be able to master our minds. Sounds easy? Yes, is it done easily? No!

So here I am rambling because I feel like doing so, and not because I believe that I’m some sort of life guru or psychologist! I just fucking wanted to write… and no I’m not a damn writer, sometimes this is my way of keeping myself sane and believe there have been times were I thought I completely lost sanity, but I held on to it really hard… doesn’t mean that I am completely sane though :P

It’s time to close my eyes, and imagine… imagine my reality the way I want it.

 P.s.: that photo is a list of things I wanted to do in 2009, guess what? I got to do all of it :) Just another reason to never stop dreaming.